*breathe deeply*

its going to be a wonderful day! i can feel it in my bones. you ever have one of those mornings, where you just sortof leap out of bed with a huge smile on your face, ready to take on anything that the world throws in your direction? that was this morning for me. i just feel, full of promise. i'm getting out of this academic slump. i'm turning in all the late crap i had, and turning the other assignments in on time. i'm practicing at least 2 hours a day, and its not crappy practice, its, dayum! i'm getting shit done! practice.

the elegie makes me think of jesus's crucifixition. when i practice it, i can almost feel the scourging, His agony. i think of Him when i play, and it seems to flow better. it gives me chills...

i wonder where we would be if Jesus had not existed. we'd be lost, i'm sure of it. i wonder what would be happening to us if God was apathetic, like He is in so many of the Kurt Vonnegut books i read. how much worse would life be? how much more gruesome would death's face be, snuffing life from every and all? how lost would we roam this life, searching for meaning, for completion?

such are the subjects i ponder these days.

the optimistic failure

i tried to donate blood today, but it didn't really work out. when they tested my blood for iron, i failed the first one, so they had to do a second test on me. i passed that one, so they sent me in the blood room, and stuck me with a needle. it hurt pretty badly, and i was nervous because i'd never given blood before. then the main doctor came because she was having trouble getting the needle in the vein. the doctor prima poked around for a while and then proclaim the vein impossible to penetrate. they had rejected my vein, or rather, my vein had rejected them. so i have a hole in my arm, but i didn't save any body's life. they told me to drink alot before i donate because that will plump up my veins more so i can be successful next time.

other than that, i've been pretty good. the music library might have an opening for me to take a job there. and even though i've been in a slump the past two weeks, i'm getting back into the swing of things. i've been doing my homework better now with better concetration now that i do it all in the evenings when i come back from classes. and i'm FORCING myself to go to sleep no later than midnight. running on 3 hours of sleep is affecting my grades and practice efficiency.

i've been thinking about heaven frequently these days. its hard to say why.

me; a stunt double

i am so afraid of messing things up. if you have lived your life in fear of attaining something, when you finally get it you are filled with just the sheerest euphoria. but there is this anxiety, this distrust in life and the way things go. i don't want to lose it. i don't want to screw things up. i have something so nice for once, and i know i'm supposed to trust that god will see me through, but that is so hard. a whole life of feeling like i can only rely on myself, and suddenly, i need to close my eyes and fall back and feel like god will be there or he will be there. i can i know. i just fear for myself in doing this thing called trust. its placing yourself under someone's heel, hoping they don't crush you. that they don't smash you to bits. you are in the palm of their hand. i'm supposed to trust, to just jump from the precipice and fly through the sky, follow that walk on water. its insane. i can't just...stop thinking. i don't want to mess up. i don't want to mess anything up.

just say no to prozac ;-)

and i'm back into the swing of things with a fevor i didn't know possible with myself, allthough my close friends will advocate that everything about me is done with this "fevor". whatever. after a schlumpy start, i'm attacking my schoolwork and ripping it to shreds using the teeth of my intellect. what intellect. never mind.

i'm practicing again too. listening to jacqueline du pre, miles davis, and john coltrane all weekend has got my motor running. the practice rooms, oh how i love thee. you smell of body odor and air freshener. your windows i cannot open. your pianos discombobulate my ears with their shriking discordant tones. you are roughly the size of a pine coffin. your garbage cans are home to moldy sandwiches from 2 months ago.

despite this, oh practice room, i love you, for housing my musical growth. for keeping that passion within your soundproof walls until it is ready for the world to hear.

some philosophy papers i found on my computer before i ask jim to nuke my memory

The Logic of Religion

Religion is a stronghold for many in this life. It is a comfort, a point of solace in an otherwise cold world. The many major world religions involve an explanation for the creation of humanity and provide a moral code that will help its followers achieve salvation. Paramount to religion is its requirement for belief, for faith, mostly because its doctrine deviates from simple logic, such as in Christianity, we place our believe in a man who lived 2000 years ago and is said to be the flesh incarnation of God himself. There can never be any way to prove such an assertion so faith in necessary if one wishes to call himself a Christian.
This leads us to the question; does religion in general make any sense? There are many things one needs to accept point blank if he wishes to associate himself with any particular religion. Such as, in Christianity, God is outlined as an omnipotent, omniscient, and benevolent being. There are, however, things in this faith that contradict this statement, things that have caused philosophers to squabble about for centuries.
The first in my mind is the problem of evil. Simply, if God is benevolent as is said, how can he allow such evil in the world? It is a predicament, for sure. An agreed upon solution for many Christians is the assertion that God has the power to prevent humans from evil action but allows us to choose whether to take the path of evil or not. God allows his creation to have free will and use it as such. It is hard to swallow though that human action is the cause of so many natural disasters in the world, disasters that always are concluded with much death and destruction.
Another very prominent problem with Christianity in the minds of philosophers is the problem of the aforementioned human free will. Or, simply put, if God is truly omniscient how are humans really able to make their own decisions if God already knows what we will do. A Christian will assert that just because God knows what we will do doesn’t mean that he forces us into such an action. The choice is still ours. But the question one must ask is that if we truly make our own decisions, what if they differ from what God has in mind? That would detract from God’s said omniscience. The decision we have is Free will or God.
People spend much time thinking or trying not to think about these large questions, as they define what it is to be a faithful Christian. I have my own question, though: why does religion have to make sense? It seems to me that the very basis of religion is believing what could never be proven by any sort of formula or method, so why do we waste time trying to apply one as such? Faith, by definition, is belief. You must just believe that a man walked on water, cured the sick, raised the dead, then rose from the dead himself. There is no way to prove that. But you have to believe it. Why? Because he leads the road to salvation. It just comes down to what you have in your heart.

Religious Experience

It is difficult to delve into the subject of experience without playing with the idea concerning the faultiness of human perception, a fact that an atheist would most quickly cite. In that a religious experience is rarely as solid as a tangible one, this further detracts from its credibility in the eyes of the nonbeliever. However, despite my own skepticism, I have a little faith in religious experience.
Experience is what defines Christianity. We wouldn’t have the gospels if the disciples hadn’t been there and then recorded all that they saw and felt. Every mention of something significant (or not significant) has been conceptualized and taken down on paper or passed down verbally. To take away the experiences, you strip the religion of any shred of proof that it possesses. All that is left of it is a theology, a structure of codes and beliefs that don’t hold any weight. I find it interesting that while evangelists urge us to have faith and believe without proof, they provide an array of “miracles” just in case. OF COURSE! It is human nature to question. Those who deny their questions are denying their very humanity, in a sense.
So then, the questioning person will wonder if these experiences are 100 percent true. It is hard to know as they happened so many years ago. They have also been subject to many years of possible meddling for political gain (read: Constantine). How are we supposed to know for sure? How can we analyze a situation when it is fraught with uncertainty?
The only foreseeable solution in my mind is a religious experience of your own. An intelligent person will not take someone’s word for it; they instead wish to seek out the experience for themselves.
Thankfully for my religious beliefs, I have had an experience of religious nature. Actually, now that I think of it, there are the general experiences, one moment in time where you feel his presence. Then there are the periods of your life, so awful, so low that you reach out for help and feel Him similarly. Things work out. Though your life should be spiraling down the drain by all means of logic, you are still there.
On to my own religious experience. There are a few that are worth mentioning. Once when I was 8, we were in church and the Sunday school class was putting on a play on the different forms of prayer. I was to stand and spread my arms and when I did so, a warmth that was not related to the freezing church at all filled my body and spirit. I have kept that particular one to myself until now, but I know that it was God I was feeling. Nothing can dissuade me. It is hard to explain but there was no question in my mind that that was what I was feeling.
Perhaps that is what inspired the writers of the bible, the disciples who wrote the gospels. They felt something in their soul and there was no question in any place in their being as to what they were experiencing. Perhaps that is why they spread their messages with such fevor, in hopes that the world could know what they know. And what a knowledge to have, that amidst all the doubt and questions, there is an answer beyond the door. You merely have to open it.

Foreknowledge: A Solution?

We were first introduced to the concept of God’s foreknowledge in the dialogue between
Boethius and the goddess Philosophy. A summary of the concept; in order for God to truly
be god-like, He must be omniscient and omnipotent. If He wasn’t omniscient or omnipotent
he simply would not be worthy of worship. So everything is great now that we have a godly
God, right? Wrong. In order for God’s omniscience to truly be veritable, he would have to
know everything about our actions, what we have done, are doing, and what we will do. He
knows before and after what we have done. Because He knows what we will do, it would seem
that there is no free will to speak of.
How can this be so? Well, when a man makes a decision he has two variables placed
before him. It is possible for him to have more than two choices, but for the sake of my
illustration let us just assume he has two. Say, he has to make a decision whether to drink
chocolate milk or orange juice for breakfast. If the concept of God’s foreknowledge is sound, this would mean that God will know every thought that the man has on the subject leading to the decision. Such as, God will know when the man leans towards chocolate milk because it tastes better, but then decides to drink the orange juice because it is healthier for him. This man thinks that his decision was made completely on his own, but because God is invariably omniscient, the other option was not open to him. He was going to drink the orange juice and nothing would change that.
Suppose the man, somehow by the forces of nature, managed to drink the chocolate milk
instead of the orange juice. This would not be possible because if it actually occurred it would
cause God’s omniscience to be faulty. He would not be God in such an instance.
So once again, we have a dilemma. Succinctly put, we have free will, or we have God.
Christians would opt to give us both with this solution; just because God knows what
we will do doesn’t mean he forces us into such an action. He knows we are going to drink the
orange juice but he doesn’t hold a gun to our head and say “drink the juice!”. His role of
knowing what we will do is entirely passive, since he knew what we would do in everyday
decisions and great life ones before we were even born. If this is correct, we can have our cake
and eat it too!
I feel this solution skirt the real issue. Most Christians ignore that because God knows
what we will do, we must do it or he wouldn’t be God. It doesn’t matter if his role in our
decisions is passive or aggressive, for we still do what he knows we will do.
What ultimately makes this dilemma even worse is that it contradicts God’s own word!
In the bible, it states that God’s gift to his creation is the gift of free will. No matter what, man
would be able to make his own decisions. So for God’s promise to be true, His omniscience
would be defied. But for His own purpose as God to be true, it would have to contradict
his own promise to His people.
In the search for a solution, I take into account where I stand on the hierarchy of things.
God is god, and I am just a creature inhibiting this planet. I take away any self importance
that I perhaps may have assigned to myself and I look at the facts. God must be omniscient.
Perhaps do we need to be keepers of free will?
In this strain of thought, I will assert that maybe we don’t have free will. Perhaps we are
simply animals inhabiting this world, just like the other animals. Perhaps we need to relinquish
our pride in the matter and accept that we cannot be more than we already are; animals.
But then, that contradicts God’s own word! It contradicts the fact that in His book, He
promises us free will, autonomity, and the ability to make our own decisions without his influence.
This is what this issue will be. I feel it has no solution. I have explored it the best I can,
being a simple animal after all. I accept that God knew what I was going to say on this paper. I
accept that God knows what grade you, Professor Ellin, will give me on this paper. I suppose thereal point is that I don’t know. I didn’t know what I was going to say on this paper and I don’t know what grade I am going to get on it. I’m not God, so therefore I could never know.
So perhaps in this absence of knowledge can we find both our omniscient God and our promised free will.

my personal philosophy for the day

I feel like sometimes language is so obsolete, so inaccessible. It is so hard to truly say EXACTLY what it is that you have in your head. And I’m trying right now to illuminate such a feeling, and it is impossible. The world will never know because it is impossible to really explain. The words we have created and assigned meanings to, they don’t really have meaning. They are there, they inspire a basic thought in the minds of others. But it is only there on the basic level. We cannot ever delve deeper into our own thoughts and the thoughts of others, into our true meanings. It depresses me sometimes, to think that I will never actually be understood in what I feel and wish to communicate.

It isn’t fair. Life, this masochistic charade of wanting and needing to fit into some package, some square, isn’t fair. The finest blades of grass are the most easily blunted, bent, or broken. Am I a fine blade? I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be anything in the eyes of society. It is impossible for me to trust them. My life has lent me experiences to shape me in the mold of a misanthrope. I don’t want people to see me and say, there goes Jillian, what a musician. What a maverick. I just want to be me, with out labels, without boxes to be shoved in. I have no desire to be any part of any particular demographic. I would die happy in my solitude in this way. It’s odd how one finds some sort of peace when categorized as something. Introvert, extrovert. It allows us to find like minded people and interact with them. The thought goes, hopefully they will understand me. Maybe this person will be like me.
The simple truth is that no one can understand you, no one can really be exactly like you. We are all alone. And this is why people feel the need to conform. Because it gives them peace to be like others, because then they can talk as like minds. How boring. How trite. There is no fun in that existence.
I have realized that I used to adhere to this mindframe. I used to like putting myself in boxes and think about how alike I was to people. It is folly. What is the sense in wanting to be like someone that isn’t you? Where is the logic in trying to structure your mind and beat your individual thoughts into submission by forcing them into predestined cages. I will never again try to put myself in a cage.

i'm retarded

i'm so irritable all the damn time, i have a feeling i'm really starting to piss people off. people close to me. i'm like a little kid, just in complete LACK of control over everything regarding myself. i'm retarded. i really am. i pity people who have to deal with me on a day to day basis. i just am...not.

i have this urge to lock myself away from people until i get it. until i stop overreacting to everything that comes across me...i may not show it much anymore, but its down there...festering. and it just explodes towards people i don't want to explode at.

i'm a big bundle of flaw. a big vat of nothing. a canvas splattered with the jackson pollock of sin. i'm a festing boil on the ass of life.

this split down my path

i am conflicted. there has always been two paths before me. my cello and my trumpet. its dad's fault. he put a trumpet in my hand when i was small. since before i remember. he said i was about 3 once, but i don't know. it is as much a part of me as my very lips. but then there has been my cello. me as a 5 year old, watching my opi conduct once of his orchestras, and there is was. the cello. the instrument the musicians seemed to embrace as they play. and the sound from it was so keening. i loved it instantly.

allthough these paths never seemed to converge they have always been something a part of me. i am two sepperate entities with each instrument, and together i am whole.

with the trumpet, i am a woman among the men. i play in a man's world, strive to be better than them. prune their egos. with a trumpet to my lips, i can be loud and strong. powerful. confident. the color the trumpet provides poignancy when it is needed, but rises above the other textures of sound when it is appropriate. basically, i'm talking about jazz. i love to listen, and i love to play. i'm pretty good without working on it at all, but i just feel this urge to be better.

with the cello, i am introspective, expressive. i dig deep everyday and find aspects of my soul and humanity i didn't know of the night before. it is very hard to describe the way i feel as i'm playing. the tone is my voice...and i speak through it, truly communicate. the tone of the cello is so similar to the human voice sometimes, and i know this sounds retarded, but i feel like i'm talking with God when i play. i just feel this joy.

so i've been trying to take one and remove the other from myself, pursue cello to its fullest and get rid of my trumpet and jazz. but i can't. i've been so miserable this past semester, and now, i'm not. i have everything. i'm not one half anymore in terms of myself. i'm whole, as whole as i'll ever be by myself. now i'm sure i'm happier this semester for other reasons. but i just..love to play.

and i see my life as the rest of my life. i want to play cello in a symphony, or maybe teach privately. or both. and i want to play jazz. somehow. in some context. with a small group. with a big band. doesn't matter. i just can't keep these parts of myself sepperate anymore.

the joys of being a slug

i'd think you wouldn't have to worry about much. you just go and do your own thing. maybe salt. salt you'd have to watch out for. then again, i'd be a bad slug because i like salt.

i don't really know where that was going. i think i was just trying to talk about being lazy and stuff, but then started talking about slugs. i'm such a weirdo.

i really need to get back into my groove. practicing...i just can't focus anymore. my head goes everywhere. my fingers shake..i just can't get my head back in the game. and i'm suffering. i'm last chair this semester. i'm not making any progress on the worst concerto known to man; haydn in c.

i'm starting to view my life as the rest of my life, you know? the future isn't just some distant star on the horizon. it is impending. it knocks on my door. i no longer speculate as to what i'm doing, i plan. i worry. what am i going to do for a job? where will i live? will i have a husband and children?

i know not to worry. i have God on my side. but i can't help it...the future is such a grand and beautiful and frightning idea..

trying to make sense of things

human intimacy is something that we as entities more than creatures seek ardently. the need to mate is programmed into us to ensure the survival of our species, but intimacy is something different entirely. i wish i could talk about it like i understand it, but i'm afraid this is not the case.

i'll pretend like being ignorant for once doesn't bother me. in fact, i don't think anything could bother me right now.

this week was that of many different auditions and such. i completely failed my cello one, and i completely rocked my trumpet one. i don't think that is fair at all. i didn't practice for the trumpet one AT ALL. i just went in there and winged it. just improvised, and played some high notes and scales and sightreading. and then i land lead trumpet, or at least that is what prof. cowan told me. but with the prepared excerpt for cello, i freaked out. i felt short of breath when i went to play. my mind was twitching. it isn't fair that my passion i fail at, but something i do for fun i do really well on.

that isn't to say that i don't love jazz, and that i am displeased with doing so well on the audition. i am actually very competitive about this. i like to be the best in everything i do, especially music. its hard to explain this driving force, so i'm not going to attempt to do so

miles davis, love for sale

ponder with me

i want to explore the depths of many truths, my own and otherwise. truth is such an intoxicating concept. it is something that we can trust come what may to always be solid in veracity. how many other things in life can we say the same for? it's a rarity.

there is one truth to me, one that will always be, one that will not die. that is of jesus.

but outside of that, there is no truth. besides that, things will change, die, grow. nothing is the same. everything can always be whitled down to fact, and facts are disproven everyday. they change just like the world changes.

those who seek the truth would do well to cling to the one truth that will not change. in discovering it, i want to share it.

wakey wakey eggs and bakey

you know what sucks? 8 o clock classes. those suck my butt. so i stayed up and talked to jim for a long time last night. then i went to sleep. 6 hours. bah. not cool.. i was seriously dragging ass during theory. so i came back here to the beloved dorm room and slept. i love sleep. sleep is so nice. so perfect. i love feeling rested. it is definitely NOT overrated.

time for aural comp. i'm not sure if this class will be fun. theory was annoying because we had to sing scales but we weren't singing them in the right keys. for instance. we were singing an A minor scale in C minor. aggravating! and no one knew what that was! not even the teacher got it. so irritating.

oh well.

the narrowing process

so boys is no longer a plural thing. i'd like to introduce JIM as the main subject boy! *rounds of applause* *did i spell applause right?*

excellent. unfortunatly, i am not of the persuasion who provides all of the details of my personal relationships on blogs, so tough. :-D

in other news, it's late and i can't sleep. well, i was out until 9 this morning, so i guess that is my fault. but i have been lying in bed with my eyes closed, and no dice. i can't get my brain clear of all thought. i was good at that who clearing of the mind thing, but not anymore. go figure.

semester starts tomorrow. not looking forward to it.

who do they turn to?

the news has me down in the dumps again. i know i shouldn't watch it. i know what happens when i do. i fall in this rut, thinking about how my life is good and great and so much calamity happens elsewhere, to better people than i.

100 dead in iraq. hospital collapse in saudi arabia. 12 miners dead, one in critical condition in the US. it isn't fair.

this reminds me of a very basic philosophical argument presented in the very first class of philosophy of religion. professor ellin gave us this article about evil in the world, terrible things happening, and he asked us "how could there be a loving caring God, such as the one in christianity, when there is so much death, destruction and evil in the world?" and it is something that many people think about. bad things happen to good people. in misery we feel alone. we stray. perhaps it is God testing us, the mettle of our faith. maybe he has a really sick sense of humour. we don't know. we can't know for sure.

my faith tells me that God is always there, and always will be. and just because something doesn't go right in this world, in my life doesn't mean he has stopped loving me. the objective me gives fleeting thought to the possibility that there is no God, but that doesn't feel right in my heart. i feel Him there. and that is all i need to know.

so i have to trust that his plan for me, for my family, for the whole world, is far grander than i could ever concieve.

dance the dream

so it was cool yesterday. i went to barens and noble with jim and when we left the store it was snowing. AAAAHHHH LOVE SNOW!!! so i danced around for awhile.

you know, i'm not really sure why, either. snow is just frozen rain. it melt and gets you all wet. it gets in your face. it is an irritating substance. i guess because it is so peaceful to watch. little flakes floating gently down. it makes me think of the north, the silence accompanied by snowfall. the closest to silence possible for such a noisy world.

a whole lot a nothin

basically, i've done nothing today. haven't even practiced. wait, i spent much time on the computer, so i guess that counts as doing something. well, i've done nothing constructive all day. no practice. i feel so guilty about that too. you'd think i killed someone. i gotsta gotsta gotsta PRACTICE BABaH!!!

nick has incited a new policy; brother sister bonding. i think he isn't happy i'm leaving again. i think i'm not happy about it either. he comes in my room when i'm reading one of my 5 unread books, throws a pillow at my head, and insists we connect. it's kindof funny. i pretend i don't like it, but i really do. he is an uncannily good judge of character, and his opinion matters to me.

joy= eating 29cent mac and cheese straight out of the pan. with NO FORK. :-D

auld lang swine or whatever

so this is officially the first post of the new year. i figure i'm going to continue on whatever strain i start on, so i mind as well make that strain a good one, don't you think?

2005 was lame, 2006 is full of promise. and this is why.

1) i'm getting better at cello.
2) my ulcer has to be going away.
3) my classes next semester are going to be sweet, espeically jazz band.

and there are specific long term hopes too. that is what is different. i have hope. cool! 2005= hope is a disease. 2006= hope is a breath of life in stagnacy.

i'm not really sure i want to go back to western, but i will. just because something isn't fun doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. i mean, practicing cello isn't fun all of the time. but i do it to better my passion. college, or more specifically western, is the same. so...we'll just have to see.

GOALS:
1. dvorak cello concerto by next fall semester. it is such a beautiful piece of music, just passion. not dinky stupid classical era etude silliness. real aspects of soul, ways that i can discover and embody my own humanity and that of those around me.
2. take better care of my self. the ulcer thing is my fault. square meals. etc. no more forgetting to eat. that is so pathetic.
3. STOP BITING NAILS

randomness- whee!

Ultimate Survey (377 questions long)
time started:	6:30
full name:	Jillian Paige Stansell
nickname(s):	Gigi, Jojo, Pill, punk
birthday:	may 20th
where were you born:	in an airforce base in ohio
zodiac sign:	taurus/gemini
height:	5'6 ish
weight:	130ish
hair color:	brownish
eye color:	greenish
shoe size:	9ish
ring size:	5 1/2 ish
skin type (freckles, tan, albino, etc.):	i'm pretty pale with freckles and stuff, but i tan pretty well
blood type:	A positive
grade:	college freshman
GPA:	3.3
siblings:	nick-16 haley-7
tattoos:	ew! never
piercings:	ears
hobbies:	*sarcasm* i like long walks on the beach and pretty flowers and the color pink..
favorite
color:	green, black, purple
food:	most italian stuff
candy:	not big on candy..but i love chocolate
type of cheese:	roquorfort- the best is found in france
pizza topping:	um....not big on pizza
salad dressing:	bleu cheese
sandwich:	..veggie burger?
cereal:	oreo o's or any type of muslee
fruit:	pineapple!
vegetable:	tomatoes
berry:	raspberry
cake:	what about pie? key lime, baby!
book:	i've read too many books to have a clearly defined favorite
movie:	again with this favorites...right now amelie and usual suspects
magazine:	COSMO!!! and national geographic
newspaper:	... i dislike newspapers
tv show:	law and order
website:	um....the facebook owns my soul
radio station:	90.3 blue lake radio!
font:	*headdesk*
cartoon character:	disney silly cartoon movies..
artist (painter):	renoir
actor:	i love love love kevin spacey and robin williams
actress:	drew barrymore
cd:	too much favorite music
song:	hollaback girl
music group:	...not crappy, how's that
music type:	'' ''
day of the week:	the days are never the same...no two fridays will be alike
month:	december and february
season:	i just love the changing of the seasons, but if i had to choose...winter
holiday:	birth of jesus!
shampoo:	white rain
conditioner:	white rain
number:	2
phrase:	....
store:	barens and noble
weather:	slightly overcast
restaurant:	carrabbas or olive garden
channel:	....enh
teacher:	professor uch!
weekend activity:	SLEEPING...also practice
hangout:	?
house color:	something unconventional
sport to watch:	big ten football baby! GO MSU!
sport to play:	i'm pretty good at kickball...i used to play it all of the time as a kid
animal:	cats...dogs...animals are good, DON"T EAT THEM!
flower:	cliche, but roses
guy's name:	i HATE the name conner
girl's name:	jaqueline
board game:	monopoly...i rock at it
party game:	not big on parties
story from childhood:	things from the book of virtues
body part:	hands
have you ever
been on a train:	yeah...from new york to chicago
been on a plane:	all of the time
been in a car accident:	yep...back still messed up
caused a car accident:	um... well my accident was my fault, but no one else was in it
run into a wall:	yeah...i'm so graceful
burned a potato chip:	?!?!
almost burned the house down:	nah
smoked:	a pipe, once. hated it
been drunk:	yeah
been high:	yeah, man, high on LIFE!
broken the law:	no
burned a cd (if yes, the one above is yes):	ok, wise guy
kissed someone of the opposite sex:	sure ;-)
kissed someone of the same sex:	yeah, sarah, but no tongues
frenched an animal:	what?!!?
made out:	yeah
had cyber sex:	um, no
gotten engaged:	no
had an online relationship:	LAME
been rejected by a crush:	i've been cheated on, if that counts
loved:	hm
made yourself cry to get out of trouble:	i can't force myself to cry
cried in public:	NO WAY
cried over a movie:	yeah, only when i'm alone though
fallen asleep in a movie theater:	not recently..
given someone a bath:	little sister
been to a boarding school:	no...
been home-schooled:	thank GOD no
lost a valuable item:	i lost an ex's class ring, but then i found it
bungee jumped:	OH YEAH..IT ROCKS
skied:	yeah, used to ski alot when i was little
met the president:	no, but i sent him letters when i was little
met a celebrity:	nah
gotten a cavity:	in baby teeth i think
shopped at abercrombie & fitch:	ew
made a prank call:	yeah, middle school, hello?
skipped school:	only when i'm sick
faked sick to get out of school:	no
purchased something that you knew didn't fit:	what's the point?
climbed a tree:	alot when i was little
fallen from a tree:	well, sure
broken a bone:	never
sprained anything:	yeah, once or twice
passed out:	HAHAHAH!! yeah. you could say that
made yourself pass out:	you can't force it, man.
been to disney world:	yeah, happy place
been to a theme park (not disney):	CEADAR POINT!!!
said i love you and meant it (not to a relative):	no
made a model volcano (working model):	nah
made a clover leaf with your tounge:	?!?!
past
what did you do yesterday:	slept, ate, practiced
memory you miss the most:	*grins*
memory you want to forget:	basically my last relationship
something you regretted after it was done:	again, my last relationship
the last
song you heard:	napoleon dynamite stuff
cd you bought:	...can't remember
thing you said:	"bye dad"
time you cried:	couple months at least
movie seen in a theater:	king kong= CRAP
thing you ate:	spagettii soup
person who called:	doctor browns office
nail polish shade worn:	i hate nail polish
time you showered:	this morning
person who complimented you:	jim said i sounded good on my cd..
at this moment
what are you listening to:	faure requiem mass
what are you wearing:	pj's
what are you thinking:	strictly private things
what are you scared of most:	elevators, failure
how many people are on your buddy list:	like 90 something
future
occupation:	cellist in a symphony or quartet
marriage site:	..um...church? the after party has to be rocking though, dancing and the like
honeymoon:	um...haven't ever really thought about this....rome?
place to live:	a house
kids:	3
car:	buick
what are you doing tomorrow:	hopefully doing something
do you think george bush will be reelected:	-_-
will there be a wwIII:	at the current rate we are going, i wouldn't be suprised
will politics ever be truthful:	...hm
will humanity snuff itself out:	you never know
can the gov. be changed:	maybe
friends
best friend:	sarah
funniest:	don
silliest:	emmalyn
loudest:	sarah, no question
quietest:	dan
craziest:	don
calmest:	jim= calm
skinniest:	um...?
best secret keeper:	NOT dan- HAHAH joking
worst secret keeper:	?
the one you have but don't want:	yikes...who would admit to something like that
smartest:	andrew
preppiest:	andrew
peppiest:	sarah
most hyper:	sarah
hottest:	SARAH, WHOOT WHOOT
weirdest:	they're all weird
biggest pervert:	DON
most annyoing:	caitlin, hahah KIDDING
shyest:	dan
most religious:	hm..
do you believe in
heaven:	yes
hell:	yes
angels:	yes
devil:	yes
god:	yes
buddha:	yeah, he was a guy
aliens:	sure
ghosts:	perhaps
spirit (soul):	yes
soulmates:	its a nice idea...the jury is out on that one
reincarnation:	not anymore
love at first sight:	in a sense...there can be physical attraction at first sight, but love is a thing developed
karma:	yeah
love in general:	i'm not sure
luck:	enh
yourself:	sometimes
crush
who and when was your first crush:	4th grade, jack dart
any now:	maybe ;-)
a celebrity crush:	orlando bloom
who do you want to be with right now:	;-D
whos number do you want:	.....
who do you want to kiss:	:-D
what is something you dont understand about the opposite sex:	i don't know...if i don't get something, i ask one of them
if you could go on a date with anybody, who would it be:	um?
on scale of one to ten, how romantic are you:	7, but secretly
first thing noticed about the opposite sex:	eyes, then hands
what do you look for personality-wise:	even keeled, sense of humour, honest and loyal
biggest turn on:	i tend to date musicians....hm
biggest turn off:	bad hygiene
something thay weat that turns you on:	i like button down shirts
something they wear that turns you off:	ripped ugly clothing that doesn't fit
the most romantic thing you want to happen to you:	a confession of feelings is all
the most romantic thing that has happened to you:	*grins*
what do you wear on a coffee date:	clothes
is it right to flirt if you're taken:	not really
is cyber cheating:	yes
are eyes the passegeway to the soul:	very much so
who would you like to take to the prom:	prom....*headache*
do you want to hug somebody right now:	;-D
do you know what an aphrodisiac is:	yes
describe
mellow:	opposite of stressed
melancholy:	opposite of happy
the perfect date:	just someplace to go and talk
the perfect mate:	...jury is out
how m&m's are made:	?!?!
why manhole covers are round:	because the holes are round
one or the other
coke/pepsi:	coke
sprite/7-up:	sprite
boxers/briefs:	boxers
gold/silver:	silver
vanilla/chocolate:	chocolate
flowers/candy:	flowers
book/magazine:	book
tv/radio:	tv
glass half empty/half full:	either
democrat/republican:	not either or, but i tend to agree more with dems
colored pencils/markers:	pencils
coffee/tea:	tea
sun/moon:	moon
day/night:	night
hot/cold:	cold
dog/cat:	cat
button/zipper:	button
cotton/feather pillow:	feather
blue/purple:	purple
plumber/trashman:	...erlack!
jeans/shorts:	shorts
long distance relationship/none:	hm
mechanical/regular pencil:	mechanical
matt/ben:	matt
that 70's show/simpsons:	simpsons
kelso/eric:	eric
donna/jackie:	donna
bart/lisa:	lisa
romeo/juliet:	juliet
romantic comedy/thriller:	comedy
nsync/bsb:	*vomits*
peanut butter/jelly:	both
waffles/pancakes:	waffles
letter/email:	PEOPLE
florida/california:	california
pizza/burgers:	neither
hat/visor:	hat
football/rugby:	football
iceskating/blading:	iceskating
movie at home/in theater:	theaters
first thing you think of when you hear
yellow:	sun
red lipstick:	on a pig (its an uch thing)
socks:	warm
cowtipping:	BAD!!
moulin rouge:	made me cry
greenland:	is full of ice
iceland:	is full of green
harry potter:	my brother's impression of harry potter
red:	shirt
blackberry:	yum?
rose:	pretty
rooster:	cock of the walk...ahah
taxes:	tedious
bill clinton:	i did not have sexual relations with that woman
whipped cream:	yum
george w. bush:	*ugh*
lollipops:	chuppa chups
dreams:	nightmare last night
love:	i hear its nice
guys:	cute
south park:	screw you guys, i'm going home!
boy bands:	are they dead yet
pengiuns:	soulmates
girls:	loud
thong:	:-D
death:	so it goes
spoons:	yogurt
junk mail:	DAH!
dairy:	fresh like dairy egg flooooogggg!
panties:	i hate that word!
your father:	fuck your father then take a shower- usual suspects
pizza:	NO MORE
britney spears:	NO MORE
vitamin:	c
are you
happy:	sure
sad:	not now
religious:	yes
bitchy:	sometimes
crazy:	perhaps
messy:	depends
mad:	maybe
slacker:	sometimes
nerd:	oh yeah
bookworm:	very much so
jock:	enh
preppy:	not so much
selfish:	we all are to some degree
giving:	yes
obsessive:	when it comes to my music, yes
violent:	no
calm:	sometimes
peaceful:	at heart
mellow:	not quite
eccentric:	very much so
caring:	yes
untrustworthy:	i don't think so
loyal:	very much
patriotic:	enh
perverted:	enh
colorful:	yeah
artistic:	yeah
miscellanoues
what color is your jacket:	black!
do you shave:	yeah
where:	legs, duh
what color is your razor:	pink
what size is your bed:	double
what color crayon would you be:	some weird holographic color
what are the last four digits of you phone number:	9171
feelings on abortion:	choice
how lond does it take you to shower:	sometimes like a half hour
what does your screenname mean:	CELLO
thoughts on blonde pop stars in general:	....cookie cutter is where?
who so you trust the most:	not sure
is cussing a necessity in life:	no
how about coffee:	NO
is the world screwed:	if you think it is, it is
what something you cant live without:	my cello
what time did you fall asleep:	1am
know what 69 means:	yeah
how about 143:	...no
can you live without a microwave:	nope!
what do think about death:	it will happen..didn't you ask this already?
where and when do you want to be married:	um?
do you want to drop out of school:	no
why is the sky blue:	reflections from the ocean to the sky
what is a good trait about yourself:	i'm stubborn.
what do you always think about:	hm
what is wrong with your school:	PARKING SeRVICES
what is right with your school:	dalton?
how do you react to change:	depends on what is changing, i could welcome it, i could shun it
do you talk to yourself:	not outloud
what is your opinion on love:	hm
can you afford to lose weight:	who cares?
what color would you dye your hair:	green!
best thing anyones told you:	listening to you play gives me goosebumps
what is your reaction to someone telling you you're hot:	thanks!
does being psycho appeal to you:	....uh, no?
if you wrote a book, what would it be about:	irony
what would you change your name to:	august
longest crush lasted how long:	5 years..
tme finished:	7:10
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