trying to make sense of things

human intimacy is something that we as entities more than creatures seek ardently. the need to mate is programmed into us to ensure the survival of our species, but intimacy is something different entirely. i wish i could talk about it like i understand it, but i'm afraid this is not the case.

i'll pretend like being ignorant for once doesn't bother me. in fact, i don't think anything could bother me right now.

this week was that of many different auditions and such. i completely failed my cello one, and i completely rocked my trumpet one. i don't think that is fair at all. i didn't practice for the trumpet one AT ALL. i just went in there and winged it. just improvised, and played some high notes and scales and sightreading. and then i land lead trumpet, or at least that is what prof. cowan told me. but with the prepared excerpt for cello, i freaked out. i felt short of breath when i went to play. my mind was twitching. it isn't fair that my passion i fail at, but something i do for fun i do really well on.

that isn't to say that i don't love jazz, and that i am displeased with doing so well on the audition. i am actually very competitive about this. i like to be the best in everything i do, especially music. its hard to explain this driving force, so i'm not going to attempt to do so

miles davis, love for sale