me; a stunt double

i am so afraid of messing things up. if you have lived your life in fear of attaining something, when you finally get it you are filled with just the sheerest euphoria. but there is this anxiety, this distrust in life and the way things go. i don't want to lose it. i don't want to screw things up. i have something so nice for once, and i know i'm supposed to trust that god will see me through, but that is so hard. a whole life of feeling like i can only rely on myself, and suddenly, i need to close my eyes and fall back and feel like god will be there or he will be there. i can i know. i just fear for myself in doing this thing called trust. its placing yourself under someone's heel, hoping they don't crush you. that they don't smash you to bits. you are in the palm of their hand. i'm supposed to trust, to just jump from the precipice and fly through the sky, follow that walk on water. its insane. i can't just...stop thinking. i don't want to mess up. i don't want to mess anything up.