the music of my dreams

i'm depressed today. especially because i've just come from an exceptionally brutal cello lesson. it is so frusterating to me, the state of my cello playing. in lessons, i play scales, one note at a time, barely going anywhere. most of the lesson was spent on scales, and a slim part on etudes. and i'll tell you why; my technique. according to uch, my technique, basically, BLOWS ASS. my fingers are flat and collapse all over themselves, my arm doesn't move with my hand, my thumb bends all the way back in an unnatural fashion, which causes the whole cariage of my hand/arm to be unmercifully tight. the tension is the bane of my existance.

it sucks because there is so much music in my soul and i can't express it, i can't build on it and learn new depths and demensions of it because of my awful technique. i practice and practice to make it better, but the more i accomplish, the more i learn that there is yet to accomplish. and i go to cello class and listen to people play music half heartedly, just playing the notes. their phrases jerk, going from here to there with out any linear motion. it is like hearing someone speak words instead of sentences and stories...they are unable to manipulate the colors that their sound produces. i leave these classes furious, that they get to play literature LIKE SHIT and i play scales and etudes and sound like a beginner, when i crave more, ache for the depths of it. i play no literature. i play no music...when i try to emote the etudes, i get yelled at.

so i practice technique. endlessly. and no improvement do i see.

i no longer dream of anything but music. last night, a symphony of such beauty came to me, and it was my own, for i had never heard it before. when i woke it was gone from me.