this split down my path

i am conflicted. there has always been two paths before me. my cello and my trumpet. its dad's fault. he put a trumpet in my hand when i was small. since before i remember. he said i was about 3 once, but i don't know. it is as much a part of me as my very lips. but then there has been my cello. me as a 5 year old, watching my opi conduct once of his orchestras, and there is was. the cello. the instrument the musicians seemed to embrace as they play. and the sound from it was so keening. i loved it instantly.

allthough these paths never seemed to converge they have always been something a part of me. i am two sepperate entities with each instrument, and together i am whole.

with the trumpet, i am a woman among the men. i play in a man's world, strive to be better than them. prune their egos. with a trumpet to my lips, i can be loud and strong. powerful. confident. the color the trumpet provides poignancy when it is needed, but rises above the other textures of sound when it is appropriate. basically, i'm talking about jazz. i love to listen, and i love to play. i'm pretty good without working on it at all, but i just feel this urge to be better.

with the cello, i am introspective, expressive. i dig deep everyday and find aspects of my soul and humanity i didn't know of the night before. it is very hard to describe the way i feel as i'm playing. the tone is my voice...and i speak through it, truly communicate. the tone of the cello is so similar to the human voice sometimes, and i know this sounds retarded, but i feel like i'm talking with God when i play. i just feel this joy.

so i've been trying to take one and remove the other from myself, pursue cello to its fullest and get rid of my trumpet and jazz. but i can't. i've been so miserable this past semester, and now, i'm not. i have everything. i'm not one half anymore in terms of myself. i'm whole, as whole as i'll ever be by myself. now i'm sure i'm happier this semester for other reasons. but i just..love to play.

and i see my life as the rest of my life. i want to play cello in a symphony, or maybe teach privately. or both. and i want to play jazz. somehow. in some context. with a small group. with a big band. doesn't matter. i just can't keep these parts of myself sepperate anymore.