me: an understudy

don't know what is wrong with me. my stomach aches. my heart aches. i hate being like this, this trite emotional idiot. so i'm not going to be.

lalala, life is great! i stepped in a really cute mud puddle today, and it splashed up really cool. i love it when it rains in november, especially when it isn't freezing! it sure is fun! and the area recital today was great! i love listening to other people play especially when they play pretty music! i'm just sad there wasn't any beyonce or anything. oh well! life is still fun! wheeeee!!! oh, and my blister on my thumb isn't going away but i still play cello! that is fun! lalala!

omg, i'm laughing at myself. please, friends, follow suit.

JAESUS

today i had that recital/scholarship acceptance thing. i played pretty well. i had one mental freak out. i just sortof blanked out...i don't know. my fingers crumpled, my mind went blank. i don't know why it happens. its happened before though.

i'm so weird, i'm thinking. i'm watching law and order and i just start bawling. i was crying because this guy's kid was stolen and the police found them, and he was really happy and hugging him and it was just love..love that was all over. love that was tangible, that i could almost feel on my fingers, taste on my tongue. and i'm bawling like a baby. but then some funny commercial comes on and i'm laughing my ass off. i'm such a polar person, hot then cold, happy then sad, up then down. its tiring. in a way, i ache for consistancy, but in a way, i embrace this that is me.

to the ends of the earth, where there is no post

i'm just....adrift. i feel this crushing weight on my chest, on my shoulders. this is the first time i can remember that the heralding of snowfall has not made my feet light and my smile easy. i'm just...sick of things.

i'm sick of censoring myself. god, this is my own online journal, and i can't write what truly is on my mind, because i know people will find it. i mean, that is the nature of the thing. people are supposed to read this. i've written more poetry in the past week than i have in the past 5 months. i'm afraid to go places without my little green notebook now, i'm afraid that i will think something that i feel must be put down on paper and my book won't be there.

i'm having trouble eating. it isn't a body issue thing. i think i'm good looking, i like the way my body looks. i've accepted myself. it's just.....that i've lost interest in eating. the cafeterias make me sick to my stomach. i end up paying for a meal, then just staring at it. i put food in my mouth, chew, swallow. it makes me sick. i don't like it. what causes this sortof reaction? what inspires it? stress? i guess you could say i'm stressed.

i'm paranoid too. and i don't know if it is because of all the law and order i'm watching. fuck, law and order is like the one thing right now that doesn't require me to freak out about something. how sad is that? even my love, the cello is causing extreme stress. all i know is that every where i go, i turn my head around. i'm looking for something, i'm expecting someone to be gaining on me. to conquer me.there is just so much....i don't want to be me anymore. i'm sorry everyone. no happy witty jillian today. the maintenance of these masks is killing me.

random silliness

so i'm a pretty cool kid. why? well, last week mr. uchimura said he didn't know if i would be able to play the haydn in my scholarship reception based on the way i was playing it then even though i've been making alot of improvment. so what do i do? practice the shit out of it. and uch said it was great today. he was so happy, happier than he usually is in my lessons, and he is always really happy with my work. but today, he was EVEN MORE ESTATIC. so he said bring a person into my lesson tomorrow, and i'll perform it for this person and mr. uchimura. guess who i chose.

5 years ago I was...
1. In eighth grade.
2. socially defunct.
3. new to muskegon....not many people liked me
4. wishing i was a famous band director
5. overweight

1 year ago I was...
1. a Senior in High school
2. beginning to like myself...a little.
3. starting to become obsessed with practice rooms.
4. WORKING to be a world famous cellist like jackie duprey.
5. in a relationship i knew i shouldn't be in.

Yesterday I was...
1. irritated.
2. talking to theoadeo
3. doing theory homework
4. practicing for 4 hours
5. watching law and order on TNT

5 snacks/foods I enjoy...
1. popcorn
2. most italian food
3. yogurt
4. ethnic new age type foodies
5. tofu

5 songs I know the words to are...
1. stellar (incubus)
2. it had to be you (frank sinatra version)
3. 3 libras (a perfect circle)
4. walking higher (heather nova)
5. californication (red hot chili peppers)

5 things I would do with one million dollars are...
1. buy my mom and dad a freaking huge sailboat that they could sail the world in because that is all they talk about for their retirement years.
2. buy a really really good cello
3. pay for the rest of my college
4. Set up a charity
5. send my brother to college....he's got it in him.

5 places I would run away to...
1. greece
2. italy
3. germany
4. ireland
5. russia

5 favorite (American) TV shows are...
1. Law and Order
2. Law and Order SVU
3. Law and Order CI
4. family guy, futurama, things of that nature
5. comedy central

5 fictional characters I would date....1. i would never want to date a fictional character because they are FICTIONAL!!! i want to date a real person though...hahah!

behold!

the stars! the stars the stars the stars! they are out tonight. they shine in glory. there are millions to sight, especially when all other lights go out. they fill my already happy heart with more joy.

i used to watch stars so much when i lived up north. there wasn't a big city anywhere, and the only real big lights in the distance were from the ski slopes, so it seemed like every star ever in existance would emerge and dance. my family and some family friends would make a fire in the fire pit next to our barn, but i would go in the opening past the tree house and lie on my back. just watching the stars. i'd be out there for a long time. sometimes my friend billy would come and lie next to me, and we wouldn't really talk, just let our minds sprawl over the infinate distance that lay before us.