to the ends of the earth, where there is no post

i'm just....adrift. i feel this crushing weight on my chest, on my shoulders. this is the first time i can remember that the heralding of snowfall has not made my feet light and my smile easy. i'm just...sick of things.

i'm sick of censoring myself. god, this is my own online journal, and i can't write what truly is on my mind, because i know people will find it. i mean, that is the nature of the thing. people are supposed to read this. i've written more poetry in the past week than i have in the past 5 months. i'm afraid to go places without my little green notebook now, i'm afraid that i will think something that i feel must be put down on paper and my book won't be there.

i'm having trouble eating. it isn't a body issue thing. i think i'm good looking, i like the way my body looks. i've accepted myself. it's just.....that i've lost interest in eating. the cafeterias make me sick to my stomach. i end up paying for a meal, then just staring at it. i put food in my mouth, chew, swallow. it makes me sick. i don't like it. what causes this sortof reaction? what inspires it? stress? i guess you could say i'm stressed.

i'm paranoid too. and i don't know if it is because of all the law and order i'm watching. fuck, law and order is like the one thing right now that doesn't require me to freak out about something. how sad is that? even my love, the cello is causing extreme stress. all i know is that every where i go, i turn my head around. i'm looking for something, i'm expecting someone to be gaining on me. to conquer me.there is just so much....i don't want to be me anymore. i'm sorry everyone. no happy witty jillian today. the maintenance of these masks is killing me.