i'm officially insane

well, according to asdell i am. who is the most insane, the insane of the one to cries "insane!" there is some truth to that. maybe the people who are deemed insane are just doing whatever they want and the criers who freak out about everything are the insane ones. who the **** knows.

(the censoring is so andrew asdell won't take me off his contacts list again.)

and now for the recent philosophy- if you don't like it, tough cookies

love. oh boy oh boy. it seems love flies around quite a bit these days. it has even affected me anew. won't say anymore, except to say that it is the most fun i have had in my short life. ever. wheee! hahahahahaha! but seriously, many are affected positively and negatively through this illusive force. it could bring the whole of mankind to its knees with little effort. understandable that we are such a weak optimistic creature.

observe. a girl who is positively deeply in love will put herself through her boyfriends abuses all for the sake of his attention. *note-abuse does not neccessarily mean physical abuse* she disregards her friends' warnings and remains with him. he leads her along for whatever reason, and she follows along to further seek his love. so why would God give man such a thing if in its wake resides such pain? why would anyone seek to crush him/herself so profoundly if only for the hope of return of such audor? maybe i don't understand it because i have never truely been in love. in some ways, i hope i never do.

i just wish this girl would realize that her friends only have her best intrests in mind. her friends will still be here for her despite. because that is what friends are for.

love stinks! and it all was bull****! it was a bleeping joke!



i just

time for quizies

You Are a New School Democrat

http://www.quizdiva.net/bt/new-school.jpg">%20/>You like partying and politics-and are likely to be young and affluent. You' Democrats. Smoking pot, homosexuality, and gambling are all okay in your book. You prefer that the government help people take care of themselves.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/political-persuasion.html">What political persuasion are you?

hindsight is a biz-natch

like i say, always. don't act like an idiot because one day you will come to regret your behavior. i regret much about my behavior of the past 7 months. actually the last 2 months have been great, but the 5 before that i was a complete and utter moron. those of you who know me, know exactly what i am talking about. and for those of you who don't, tough. leave me alone.

i actually feel more hopeful than i have in the longest time. usually, i find reasons to curse the hopeful and crush their weak optimism with the brunt of my own realism. i need to cool it sometimes. but these days there feels like there is more to be hopeful about. college at western will be excellent beyond everything. i really can't wait to get out of here. i feel like i have accomplished something, getting to college with scholarships. i always figured that i would be beaten out by the smart rich kids of the world, and end up at MCC where there are no dorms or music programs. i was wrong. in this case, being wrong is better.

and there are other things that make me happy as well. new feelings, new places, new things to smell. it is like i am a dog or something. not. i have laid the bad to rest. time to move on.

i only have 21 days of school left. sometimes, when i get shoved out of the way by some giant unruly sophomore or walk into a gaggle of crowing girls gossiping i feel vaguely nostalgic. like maybe next year i'll miss all of the children that wreak havoc on my scholarly pursuits. then i snap out of it. i must be out of my mind. it is all good.

and now for the recent philosophy. if you don't like it, go cry somewhere.

i wish that the entire world was united under one religion sometimes. it seems like most of our problems from day to day stem from religious differences. because when you think about it, with religion entails a code of conduct. if we all had the same code of conduct, there would be much less misunderstanding. one common law to govern and unite. maybe this is communism. but we all know that communism sounded really good in theory. i'm not saying we should share everything and live on communes and accept jobs doled out by the government. i'm suggesting more of a theistic communism. being christian, i don't really have to tell you what religion i would choose for the whole world. so therein lies the problem. how would we choose which one? maybe someday, someone will create another religion that everyone will accept. not likely. besides, it seems like worldy unity is way too much to ask in this day and age.

i hate the internet

actually, i hate money. WHY DOES STUFF HAVE TO COST MONEY??? SCREW THE MONATARY SYSTEM> NO GOOD COMES BY IT!!!! (now, economy majors, i know that our whole government and system of living depends on the economy and monatary system, but you will empathize that it is easy to hate money when you don't have any.)

i played my concerto this weekend. it was really really out of this world. not my playing, now. that aspect of the whole shebang was actually sub par. but playing on a stage for people, appealing to them to listen to my music and become lost in it was intoxicating. i was presenting my hard work and my soul to them, to take it and feel it like i do. mr. staudacher gave this huge schpeil about what kind of orchestra student and musician i have been since he knew me, and then i played. i become lost in my own little music world. it was excellent. when we finished and my bow came down, the room erupted in applause. the crowd lept to their feet and there was hooting and hollering of that nature. i felt genuinely happy that everyone seemed to like my music. i only wished that it had been a better preformance for them, so they could hear it as it should have been heard. i was smiling naturally for the first time in a long time. i aknowledged the orchestra. i shook staud's hand. i felt pretty good.
then

then there was the awards banquet. that was fun. i sat with andrew, matt, sara, and eric, which was fun. i was starving. i don't eat before i perform because it really makes me sick to my stomach. but it was all good. staud gave them outstanding musician award to me this year. i was stoked. pictures, more shaking hands. then andrew and matt started yelling "speech! speech!" then i was overcome by anxiety and hurried back to my chair. i didn't make a complete 180 now, in terms of personality. these things take time.

bah humbug

i am feeling a little down in the dumps today. so there is only one thing for that; take lame internet quizzes!

You scored as Artistic. Congratulations, you scored Artistic. You're looking for the unique movie in the bunch. You've probably watched a lot of movies that nobody has ever heard of, and good for you. You also know good filmmaking when you see it. You just get it, no questions asked. Check out: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Amelie, Garden State, Lost in Translation. Artistic 95% Romantic Comedy 75% Drama/Suspense 75% Sadistic Humour 70% Sci-Fi/Fantasy 70% Mindfuck 65% Mindless Action Flick 35% Movie Recommendation. created with QuizFarm.com

i feel a little better now. time to go watch artistic movies and eat popcorn, cause i am pretty darn fat.

advanced composition fun

yeah, okay. well, i finished working on the websearch we were doing, so i am all good.

i am so tired. last night was jazz festival, and that was a riot. i was just bouncing off the walls the whole time. in the warm up room, on the stage. the only calm i seemed to experience was when i was playing. it is a strange thing, but when i play, i control my scattered energy and channel it all, concentrated, into my playing. as soon as i stop, i'm bouncing off the walls again. chop wise, the program was immensely demanding. first we have david cahill's trombone feature, which is fun because of all the horn pops i get to do. horn pops are the best to do, because they are the easiest to embellish. so then i had to do my own flugelhorn feature. i was so nervous and excited that i could hardly stand it. it was so crazy. so i just played. i changed around some of the things i did, and made it sound more spontaneous than previously. i close my eyes when i play trumpet. i don't know why. it just seems like the only thing to do. i'm in my own little world, surounded by the chords, the rhythm, everything. so after naima, we had to do the challenging chart. count bubba. the one and only. i was worried because i am always shot after i do naima, and even more so because i played tons of high notes in naima and i never do. but when the screaming trumpet parts came, i just layed it down. i was straight up an octave from the other trumpets. i got the high G's and everything. there were these guys from Muskegon jazz band, and they were hooting and pointing at the trumpet girl. one even shouted " YOU GO GIRL!!" i guess it is a pretty weird thing for a girl to play really really high notes. hah!

this thing i remember; it has always been my goal, ever since a trumpet was first put in my hand, to out blow the guys. to be louder, stronger, better. maybe i am finally reaching that goal. but i won't stop there. ingrid probably played better than all of the boys too. i can't wait for the rehersal tonight. i will meet her. maybe we'll be similar people.

i am kindof effed about prom. i still don't have a date. i am still toying with asking someone myself, but i don't really want to. there is this guy i want to ask, but i don't think prom is his sort of thing. i don't know what to do.

kennewick, man ingrid jensen quartet

ingrid jensen- a chance to show off the mediocrity of this school

ingrid jensen is coming to mona shores to play her flugelhorn. she is playing with jazz I. she will most likely start laughing when she hears us and turn around and continue her world tour. i can't believe she is actually coming. she is my hero, one of the best female trumpet players in the world. so, i have to play solo after solo after solo and she will hear me and, oh i don't know, hit me over the head with her trumpet. well, she probably wouldn't do that to her trumpet so instead she will beat me with my own. i am doomed. i want to play well, because i know many people who are planning to come to this concert. this is a catastrophe! what am i going to do? i can't just stop sucking after a lifetime of sucking.

i am not going to think about this anymore. too much stress already exists in this twisted life of mine. i have to play my cello concerto on april 24th with the orchestra. it will really really suck. i don't even want to think about it. i don't i don't. so why am i? freak out.

the worst part about this whole thing is that i just don't have time to practice at all. i am trying to make my grades now, i am trying to get to michigan state money wise. i need a job, i need to get the IYSO quartet things in order, i need to practice the quartet stuff, i need to get birthday presents for two of my friends with birthdays coming around the corner. i need to get ready for graduation, i need to pay off my school fines, i need to lose weight for my prom dress, i need to get a date for prom, i need to not fail algebra II, i need get pictures taken for my gifts for my host families, i need to practice IYSO jazz combo stuff that my opi just sprung on me two days ago ( i CANNOT PLAY JAZZ PIANO! I HATE IT AND I SUCK!), i need to helpe my brother with his poetry portfolio, i need to help him with his grades.

sorry everyone for my a la carte platter of crap. i really am a retard.
i want to go practice cello right now.

on the other hand, this whole college thing is really exciting, in a way. it is all any senior talks about right now, or thinks about, except maybe for prom. i wish prom things were not on my list of i need to do's. but it will be fun, with friends, and others.

but after i get back from europe next summer, it is almost straight to michigan state. i am so excited i could die. COLLEGE! at last. after i get this pile of stuff out of my way, i am home free to college. probably more stress, but different stress. adult stress.

weblogs- the new frontier?

you would think so, with all of the blog warfare going on these days. unfortunatly, with the sepperation of my ex boyfriend, i found myself pitted in the midst of it. it is pretty juvenille. aggravating. but in general, these kids get on blogs and post awful comments to and about eachother in leiu of actual confrontation. it is really interesting to surf and find some of these hate blogs, where they just post about people they hate. how stupid, because nothing on the internet is safe from discovery. say the hate blog kids one day run for office. their little hate blog will be discovered, along with the "why won't ******** die!!" little quotes, and they will be publicly humiliated. maybe even inprisioned. so the moral of the story- don't post anything you wouldn't want a judge, your grandma, or the president to read.

i did the concerto audition thing this spring break. it went okay. i played okay, but i didn't win. i lost to suren bagretuni's daughter (mr. bagretuni will be my cello proffesor next year). the judges said on my sheet that i was the most expressive player all day, but oh well. i will just have to be better. it was my technique that did me in. marta's was out of this world. it is hard to be really good technique wise when you have so many inhibiting bad habits. ARG!

woes of the middleman

that is my life. basically, because i am a generally amiable person and i tend to be friends with lots of people i get stuck in the middle of arguements ALL OF THE TIME> person A and person B both seek me out for advice and council, or more often than not, to trash the other person. because these people are both my friends, i am stuck in the middle. i don't want to join in on the insult bandwagon because they are both my friends, but i don't want to lead them to believe that i don't care about their opinions.

this perticular instance is between dan's girlfriend and a friend of mine from orchestra. they both are quintessentially important to me, but apparently they do not hold the same view of eachother. the issue is over prom and a green day concert. i don't really know what is going on, because i only recieve spliced versions of the issue. i just wish that they could reconcile their differences and be friends again.

i am actually bad at arguements. it takes a lot to make me really really angry, and when i do, i get really really angry. i'm like mount saint stansell. so little annoyances tend to bounce right off my tough skin. more potent insults are assimilated, but no outwardly effect is perceieved. so it all accumulates. like a thunderstorm. when anger is unleashed, innocent bystanders tend to be lost in the shuffle.

because of my high tolerance, people like me and be friends. but then they fight with eachother and tell me about it. i don't mind people venting to me when something upsets them, but i warm them not to be angry when i am honest with them. if they are being retarded, i will let them know.