oops, i didn't do it again

so i decided that i don't like the disclaimer on my profile any more. too antagonistic.
a changing i will go. whee.

so high school has come to a close. figures the last hour of it and i sit and type on a computer. either that, or get yelled at for wandering around the school. besides, it is fitting. i have spent way more time here than any other place, except for maybe the practice rooms. i might go pay some homage to that area too. i am a sentimental creature at heart. i will always remember the blistery callouses, broken strings, numb lips, and achey fingers.

my life is defined by the practice room. i don't like practicing at home, so it is appropriate. i don't know why. i don't like my family listening to my crappy playing when i am trying to learn a piece. i just want them to hear the finished product. i know they don't care, but i do for some reason. i can't explain it.

hmmm.

dan the bounty hunter is trying too hard. he should just accept failure. i have. for once. but this isn't an area of life where you can fight failure. it is the reasonable, respectful thing to do. arggg..... *banging head on desk*

i just want this day to be over. want to go home and do nothing. practice piano, cello. go for a run. that ought to clear my head. help my brobro with his homework. that makes me feel better (sometimes, unless he starts expecting me to just do it for him. i don't roll that way.)

i have an urge to purge myself of some of my possessions. i have way too many. time to houseclean. i also have an urge to go to a nursing home and play cello for the residents. you feel better after making others feel better. that works.

boo

i am really glad my inner soul is so easily read by the common passerby. i was definatly looking for an awesome oppertunity to be embarassed, and lo and behold, my wish is granted. what a happy world i live in.

okay, i will stop wallowing. i'm good at it, though.

so apparently, i am the most stubborn bastard the world has ever seen. oops, b******. i'm going to be censored again. oh well, who cares? so anyways, as far as school goes, if i think the assignment is stupid or unneccesary, i just won't do it. screw my grade. if i can understand the material better than anyone else without doing the stupid assignment, then what is the point? i am such a jerk. i will have to work on this, for sure. i will flunk out of college with this attitude. i will be the laughing stock of every cello studio i try and gain entry too.

too competitive, too stubborn. too easy to read. that is me. i used to be good at being cryptic. now that is all gone.

i'm sorry that i have problems with the whole following orders thing. i wish it wasn't such a big deal. but i get so mad when someone gives me a stupid or pointless objective that i can't even concentrate, and i get it set in my head that i just won't do it. no questions.

dan the bounty hunter. you have failed. sorry, but it is more my fault than yours.

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry. (this is for the people who get mad at me for appologizing to everything. maybe i have things to be sorry about. sorry.)

ack! sorry.

oh, god, sorry. crap! allright. i'm done.

*******i just reread this whole entry and laughed at myself. you should do the same. for real***

google, ebay, and the ways of things

i study using google. i sell useless things with ebay. and the way of things exceeds my simple mind. but, i do try and make some sense of it.

i don't know if i have ever had such wonderful friends. dan meyers, asdell, and sarah larsen make me happy when stuff just gets on my nerves. before, i had a tendancy to make friends who would be somewhat abusive or manipulative, and they never lasted long, fortunatly. i suppose this was because i just wanted someone to hang out with. yeah... so anyway, it is good to have people who will listen to you unconditionally. i guess i just wanted to mention that.

so when i leave for blue lake on the 10th, and europe on the 20th, i will miss them. i will miss others too, but i don't want to mention them for fear of ridicule. hmm..

the fact that school is almost over for me is a cause for mixed feelings. i am glad to be finished with high school forever, but i will miss some of these people that i have been seeing for the majority of 4 years. yeah...

yay for mrs. blacklegde. she rocks.

*sigh*

i am a little sad now. not really sure why, which is weird. well, i have a pretty good idea. but guess if i ignore it, it might go away.

a general note; if for some reason, you read this and don't understand what i am trying to say, sorry. but i am not going to write on this thing with the intentions of making sense. i do whatever for my own pleasure or neccessity. so sorry if you don't get it, but your comprehension of me is not quite on my list of priorities. sorry.

anyways. i turned 18 on the 20th. the general consensus on birthdays right now is that they don't really matter anymore. birthdays will now be something that i just forget until a couple days after, then which i will be feeling depressed on not having remember and the whole novelty of getting older and not realizing it. what a dismal prospect.

random rant- i am really sick and tired of people coming up to me when i don't have stupid goofy grins on my face asking me what is wrong. maybe i don't feel like smiling, maybe i feel like thinking. thinking does not generally include smiling and/or grinning goofily. so maybe there isn't anything wrong. maybe i just want to think. maybe i just want to be left alone. maybe i realize that trying to be goofy and humorous constantly is a waste of time.

sorry. just not in a happy mood. and i don't know why.

another issue- i was in a kindof bad, kindof sad, but pretty okay mood before i starting writing in this infernal thing, but now after i have put titles and explanations to these crazy things, i feel echelons worse. so perhaps these journal things merely perpetuate misery and teenage angst. maybe the lot of blog website should be smote by the uprisng of consistantly aware-of-their-own-problems teenagers.

i'm going to take a break from being rediculous now. forget it.

MYAF rockin

so the youth arts festival is long past, and i wish it were still occuring. of 3 years going to the festival, it was the most fun this year. for one thing, the music was much better than last year (pines of rome obliterates all compitition) and i made more friends. the last 2 years i had just hidden in my dorm, practicing. i still practiced, but i hung out with old friends and some new people too.

but crap it, i was only 2nd chair. this paul dude beat me out. he didn't really seem very intersted in the cello though, so i was upset. he wants to be a law student at freakin yale, not a cellist. so i failed. not for long though. i'll get better. i better, because i'm sick of being sub par. sick.

anyways, the food was better too. i have developed a taste for really cheap food. the only thing i ate at all the whole weekend were bagel avec cream cheese, and institutional grade spaggetti.

the quasi rules of attraction, or "every boyfriend i ever had is like a shoe"

these supposed rules are different for everyone. i mean, some people have these cuttouts in their brain, and they will only settle for a person exactly like that. others, like me, have never really dated any one of the same type, per say. lets see, first the band geek, then the shy kid, then the insensitive athlete, then the rock n'roll zombie. it is like i am trying on shoes or something, trying to find the exact right fit. and this fit doesn't neccessarily have to do with their 'type'. the band geek was too possessive for me, the shy kid too passive, insensitive athlete too insensitive, rock n'roll zombie was too possessive and manipulative. i am not saying that these aspects of these people are bad things, and i am really not trying to be insulting. but they just don't work for me. so there isn't anything i can do about it.

i mean, we're all supposed to find the right fit for ourselves, the one shoe that can take the miles, the wear and tear, the rain and snow and sleet and hail, and still be comfy and warm. why stick with a shoe that gives you blisters and cornes and makes your feet hurt? why put up with a shoe that falls apart after two weeks of wear? why deal with a shoe that pisses you off?

i have always envision my perfect guy to be like this one pair of shoes i had that i loved and lost- cobbies. they were the best shoes in the entire world. they were athletic shoes, but they weren't geeky athletic shoes, they were sleek and stylish. i could wear them with every single outfit i owned, and it didn't look stupid. they were warm and comfy, but they didn't strangle my feet. they didn't look like every other shoe in the school, they were independent and unique shoes. they weren't cheap, crappy shoes that fall apart prematurely, they were stiched well and made with care, and they lasted me 6 years before i lost them outside. they were good to my feet, and i never got a blister wearing them. they were intelligent shoes. they worked with everything i owned. i could wear them to school, playing sports, or going to church. they were perfect.

but you only find shoes like that once in a lifetime. the same with boys. lucky for me, i have not found a boy like that.
soundtrack from amelie

screw that

okay, people. time for a reality check.

if you, for some reason, are offended, grow a spine and then we'll have a talk. otherwise, go bother someone else.

1. i am really really sick and effing tired of people coming up to me and asking what is wrong. just because i don't have some effing goofy smile on my face does not mean that i am having problems or that i am upset or something. maybe i have realized that being goofy all of the time is stupid and a quintessintial waste of much energy, time, and resource. maybe i have changed my ways to the way i was before i was "improved". if being a jackass all of the time means i am improved for some reason, then why don't i feel any better?

2. prom was really really great. (i had so much fun with andrew. the best part was he wasn't all control OCD with me, and i could run around and dance with friends whenever i felt like. i wasn't glued to one person all night. that was really cool. not that he was no fun or anything, he was, invariably, but i hate being smothered, which he didn't do. had i still been going out with jake, he would have done something like that. knowing me, i would never speak up.) so why am i so upset? i don't know. maybe this is why people are asking me what is wrong. I DON'T KNOW SO STOP ASKING ME!!!!!!!!!

3. the band banquet is today. oh good, i was looking foreward to another oppertunity to make a complete jackass out of myself. i don't know what would be worse, getting an award or not getting one. why am i so hard to please? maybe this is why i am upset. how do people put up with me?? how can they even stand my constant change, the way that i am, because i can't stand it. dan says that every where i go fun surrounds me, like i am the eye of a huricanne and all that surrounds me is fun, but i find that hard to believe. how is it fun for people to listen to my complaints?

4. i'm sorry every one for being basically retarded. i just feel disgust for myself because i am sad and i have a good idea as to why i am. but this reason is a bad terrible disgusting reason, and it is weak and embarrassing. because i might have feelings for someone i consider a friend, some one who i greatly enjoy. having feelings for this person would ruin much. so i will cut him off. i will strangle these feelings, deprive them from air. then i will be truely efficient. finally.

once again, sorry for being so bitter. i'll get this all straightened out, i promise.

HAHAHAHAH!

oh, glory i am having lots of fun playing. sock monkey! i am so bored. the worst class in the world? adv. comp. actually i like the class, i just don't want to do my essay right now. i am having problems with working. i am having problems with thinking straight.

politics wracks the band right now. the seniors are all freaking out about the awards. who gives a rip? they are just retarded awards, and they mean nothing. all that matters is personal achievment, and truely become satisfied with yourself. as i am not yet, and will not be for a long time, the awards mean nothing. they are nice, but not required.

it is really funny, because this one guy is so weird about them. like he gets really angry when people tell him someone else will get the awards, and he says stuff like "no one is more deserving than i!" well, maybe if awards didn't mean shiz to you it wouldn't matter.

policy: be modest. people don't hate modesty. they do however, hate arrogance. don't give people a reason to hate you.