sprung break

yeah, i meant to say sprung.

it's been good to be home, to see the family, friends and jim. for once in my life, i'm sortof balanced. i feel well...and good. hahaha. grammar joke. I"M WEIRD.

it's nice to see my church too. for the first time since i was a little kid i felt this inner peace as i listened to the sermon, sang the hymns. it is odd, in a way. before, my life had been defined by my questions. ask any of my friends, they can attest to that. now...i'm just peaceful. things don't really bother me as much as they did. it is a sort of clarity that comes with aging.

life is promise.

i get sentimental

i was cold, so i put on jim's orange sweatshirt and it smelled distinctly like he does. it made my heart dance. i suppose that makes me pathetic that i get all fuzzy when i smell him or see him or even just think about him. but its a new thing.

the touch of spring laces the air. i like to imagine my alter ego skipping along the path, singing silly sentimental songs about that feeling that courses through your heart when the snow gets mushy and the greenness of the grass appears again. i think i did things like that when i was a child. spring meant i could run through the tall grasses of my old home again. the mini bike would come out of storage and the sound of its engine would tear through the lively air once again. everything smelled fresh, washed clean. easter would come, and then my brother's birthday, and the my birthday. hope and anticipation are what defines this time in the cycle of the earth and her rhythms.

i should be stressed...but i am not. i feel everything as it should be. i'm at peace.

You Are a Natural Beauty!

You're the kind of beauty that every guy dreams about... One that looks good in the morning - without a stich of makeup That's doesn't mean you're a total hippie chic though You have style, but for you, style is effortless

What Type of Beauty Are You?

score!

You Are Fall!

Thoughtful Expressive Creative Poetic Smart

What Season Are You?

can you tell that i'm bored? a few more.

Men See You As Understated

You are an intreguing mix of girl and woman. You're feminine, quiet, and a total mystery to most men. Yet they often feel the urge to protect you, even if they don't know you. You *are* a flirt, but you usually only flirt with those you know well

How Do Men See You?

ok
guys: are these results like me...?
girls: what are your results?

what a wonderful world

best. weekend. ever.

jim played so well at fishbones. he always does wonderfully but i was just digging it all the more because i hadn't seen him in 2 weekds. for valentines day he made me a cd of him playing some ballads and then songs that he composed. it was way beyond excellent. my favorite present i've ever recieved.

jim took my broken cello home to get repaired. the weather wreaked havoc on it, the seams split near the top. i've been having terrible dreams about it. i hope they can fix it...

tornado warning

i basically just cleeaned the mofo out of my room today. it was crappy dirty ugly, and jim and my parents are coming up tomorrow. so i don't want them to see crap; i think that is some of my mom that has rubbed off, the neurotic cleaning for company. i don't care (for the most part) about a mess, but i don't want company to see it. in a way, it is displaying weakness.

the sky is dark out...the tv said there is a tornado watch or warning or whatever. i've got the window open...i can literally smell weather. thunder in the distance..hm. brings me back to the summer. sailing on lake michigan in a storm...the waves beating out little boat across the water, the sails straining against the winds. a struggle for survival is the most effective way to feel your soul straining, your instincts flaring. you are the most human, and yet distinctly animal.

i miss it.

You Are Rain

You can be warm and sexy. Or cold and unwelcoming. Either way, you slowly bring out the beauty around you. You are best known for: your touch Your dominant state: changing

What Type of Weather Are You?

how about it, adoring fans? true? and what are you?

i hate theory

i really really hate music theory. i don't understand it. there are too many rules that govern this thing that lives so richly in my soul. my other classes dont' give me so much grief. music history is just...silly. i do alright because i read the text book for fun before i go to sleep every night. aural comprehension is NO problem for me because i can hear the pitches and colors of everything. i don't need to recognize the interval because i can recognize the notes and tell what it is from that. but theory leaves me in the dark.

there are so many rules and we move at a pace that is too fast for me to truly understand. we are at new more difficult subject matter before i even comprehend what we were covering before. and the fact that this class is at 8 in the morning is rough. i want to ask if i can just switch to the 9 o clock, because i'm sure that would make a big big difference. it takes me a looong time to wake up in my mind....maybe thats why i barely passed algebra II.

i feel obliged to mention that this is the first valentines day that i haven't felt sick to my stomach for some reason. either because of being alone or being with someone i didn't want to be with. this year, i'm with someone i've always wanted to be with. and it doesn't really matter that jim wasn't actually here. we watched garden state through the phone at laughed at silly parts. its nice to have someone to talk to on so many levels about so many things, someone who accentuates me, completes me. :-)

AAGHH!! I"M SO CLICHE!!! but i like it!

pretend like salsa

i have the most disconcerting ability to make people i care about cry. i'm really a terrible human being. and i'm feeling a little under the weather too. its really a pathetic thing how sick i am all the damn time. maybe mom has a point and i should make a concious effort to take better care of myself. but i don't know. i'm just hanging on for the ride right now..things are a little crazy and i can't really put my finger on why. my life is a storm.

there are a few things that are constant in this. jim is. my cello....perhaps. i dont' know anymore. i'm not improving. i have no focus when i practice, my energy is scattered. at least it still gives me joy to feel music in that way, loud and poignant. that much hasn't changed. and i am rediscovering my love for trumpet and for jazz...i actually feel an urge to practice it..and i haven't felt that urge for many years.

i need some encouragement. my own voice isn't enough.

my sunrise

i've always been a sunset girl for some reason, but now, i'm leaning more towards sunrises..beginnings. i don't want to know how things end now. i want to turn my face blindly to the future, not knowing, anticipating. it's a beautiful thing.

this weekend was so excellent. jim was here, which was nice. we went to the mall and shopped and stuff. he was so good about it. usually guys are just...blah blah blah, i wanna get out of here. and i'm awful when i shop, i'm so ADD. i see something i like and want to try it on even if i don't have any intentions of purchasing it. but jim was just patient. and he didn't get all irritated with me when we were looking for jeans for him and i kept on bringing more jeans to the dressing room. i have shopped with my brother. i know how things go.

also, i'm a little bored....taking some silly quizzes. take them too, it'll be fun! whee.

You Are a Retrospective Soul

The most misunderstood of all the soul signs. Sometimes you even have difficulty seeing yourself as who you are. You are intense and desire perfection in every facet of your life. You're best described as extremely idealistic, hardworking, and a survivor. Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily. But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes. For you, it is difficult to seperate the past from the present. You will suceed once you overcome the disappoinments in life. Souls you are most compatible with: Traveler Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Your Life Path Number is 5

Your purpose in life is to life freely and collect experiences. You love life - new adventures, new people, new ideas. You are very curious, and you crave novelty in all forms. You tend to make friends easily, and you enjoy the company of all types of people. In love, you are fun and even a bit intoxicating. But you won't stick around for long. You are impulsive and spontaneous - which sometimes leads you to do things you regret. Sometimes you can be overindulgent with food, sex, or drugs. You have many talents, so many that you are often scattered and unfocused.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

true except for the love part...i'm very devoted and steady.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

dance with me

i need a break from myself. my life. i want to go someplace and not have to worry about anything, because it seems like all i do underneath being so bouncy and happy is worry.

monday/wednsday schedule
6:30- wake up, eat oatmeal, sometimes shower, go over theory homework
8:00- Basic Music I (known as theory, or hell)
9:00- practice(usually scales and etudes in this chunk of time), then take nap in practice room
11:00- Aural Comprehension (this class is easy for me, i can just hear the pitches and intervals and whatever...i never study and get A's)
12:00- practice more (this time working on solo rep, etc.)
13:00- music convo or string area/cello class (unless i'm playing in cello class, i take a break)
14:00- more practice (finish solo rep and then move on to orchestra/quartet music)
15:00- Music History I
16:00- Jazz Band
17:00- either practice some more or come back to dorm and eat food while doing shitload of homework
19:00-21:00--jim calls around this time...we talk for a long time usually
0:00- finally gets to sleep...dies

i don't to be here...but i know i must if i want to get where i really want to be. to be the best. best cellist, best trumpeter.

but right now...i want to be on a boat in the ocean. a luxury ship. its winter in the carribbean, but the air is still warm, and its caress to my skin is reminiscent of a lover. the water is clear as glass and the sky is alight with an intricate needlework of stars, inviting my mind to sprawl within its wonders. i am tempted to imagine this vessel on this undulant mirror, this living breathing thing and to me it would appear as a single dancing light, entangled wantonly with darkness. but i don't see this...i see myself in your eyes, my reflection dancing on that wave of light, real and artificial, provided by forces niether of us care for. we don't produce the music now, but we do bathe in its glow still. our feet move, leading our bodies, these hearts, intertwinced as well. i'm not aware of anything but your hands on the small of my back, fingering along with the musicians on stage. i sense nothing but the beautiful and familiar cadence of your hear. i'm in a daze, a haze, a storm of you, so just do me this, please..dance with me.