what i wish

today in convo there was this sweet jazz trio. for the first time in a long time, i foumd myself wishing i was playing my trumept with them. i remember the way it felt to be riding out a serious improv behind a jammin rhythm section, and my heart missed it. i ached. i watched, i felt those musicians, tied by the golden web of the music they spun. and i wished so badly i still could do that.

so i came back here in my dorm room (after math, of course) and practiced trumpet a little. i could only play for about a half hour. but part of me felt good doing it. i could on play a high E above C, whereas last year i could play G's and A's. but at least i could mostly play stuff. i could still play carnival of venice and all of my solo concerto types. at least my technique hasn't died much. just my endurance. my tone still sounded great too, which supprised me. hm.

when i was little i had this life dream, during which i became a world famous cellist, known and loved by all, but when night came i would switch identities and play jazz in the dark smokey bars of the world, and no one would recognize me.but if i am going to become a world famous cellist, or even the best possible cellist that i can truely be, i can't mess around with doing every thing. i need to stay focused. because i don't love trumpet wholey like i love cello. i can't sit and practice for hours like i can with cello. just not it.

my desicion to be a cellist wasn't really a desicion. it was what i found of and in myself. just the way it is. last year, a lot of people didn't really understand that, especially when they found out that the trumpet soloist was quitting marching band for cello. i had people call my house nonstop for weeks, belittling me to reconsider. some of them didn't even beat around the bush, said they wouldn't be talking to me otherwise. i didn't change my mind, so they ostrasized me. i didn't care. i practiced. for that hour i had to take fall concert band, but mr. schaub let me take a cello and sit in the practice rooms and go at it. and i would. so i don't feel too badly that i can't play trumpet. it just isn't a part of me. it is just something i happened to be pretty good at