i've got the music in me...i got the music in me

today i had a lesson with uch, and i have to say this; it was a really good one. i came in really in a bad mood about being pretty much the only person having to work on technique and stuff. in my head i know it is for the best for me, but you still can't help being downtrodden when you feel so much music inside your soul and can't express it. that could be the worst pain in the world.

but uch just looked at me and said "i know it feels hard to play nothing but scales and etudes all day, but i'll tell you. the reason i am so persistant about your technique is because i see you wanting to play music so badly, and i want to give you the tools to really bring your audiences to your feet. and i have never been so persistant about this to any other of my students. because of your talent."

i was still raw about this, and not in the mood to be flattered. i say disheartedly "what IS talent? my whole life people tell me i'm SO talented, and i see nothing of it. i'm the worst cellist in this studio."

and he says "i'll tell you what talent is. it is someone playing the elgar cello concerto beautifully while having the worst technique i've ever seen. it is this inate sense of musicality i sense in you, that the other proffessors tell me about you. trust me"

i am still wowed about it.

what is this, asshole day?

from one of my favorite movies of all time, 10 things i hate about you. but seriously, yesterday was not nice. i asked cat if she wanted to come see four finger five play this friday in st. clair shores, and told her she could invite dj. dj is her ex boy. i guess, i don't know sometimes, they are so complicated. it sounded like a nice idea, but when i asked dj, he got up in my face about basically siding with cat during their fights and stuff, "judging him without knowing the whole story." well, it's not my job to be concerned with his story, especially when he is making my friend feel like crap.

dj: you never once came to me to hear my side of things.
dj: did you ever think about how much she has hurt me?
dj: and now you want things to be back to normal.

dj is not my friend and he never will be. i put up with him because he used to make cat happy. now that he doesn't, it would hardly bereft me if i never saw him again. what really makes me think: if he loved cat, he would jump at a chance to be with her. if he loved her, he wouldn't pick fights with her best friend. from what i know, it seems he is more concerned with his pride and ego. as cat said, he will do anything to make people look worse than him.

what i wish: either for dj to grow up, or for cat to find someone mature, kind, compassionate, and affectionate who will treat her like she deserves to be treated; a princess.

they sang like wind

if i have to listen to another idiot play the piece of my soul like shit one more time, i'm going to break someone. possibly their face. i admit, my technique is crap. it is. i know this. but i know i have soul, passion, and i can't bear to hear music played like a machine. and i get frusterated. uch is so meticulous with my technique, and i see my fellow cellists get away with it. hyperextended thumbs, both left and right hands. rigid bow arms. poor bowhold. flat or hyperextended fingers on the left hand.

i know it. my music will fly one day.

to cheer myself up, its time for quizzes.

If I were a Dead Russian Composer, I would be Dmitri Shostakovich! I am a shy, nervous, unassuming, fidgety, and stuttery little person who began composing the same year I started music lessons of any sort. I wrote the first of my fifteen symphonies at age 18, and my second opera, "Lady Macbeth of the Mtsensk District," when I was only 26. Unfortunately, Stalin hated the opera, and put me on the Enemy Of The People List for life. I nevertheless kept composing the works I wanted to write in private; some of my vocal cycles and 15 string quartets mock the Soviet System in notes. And I somehow was NOT killed in the process! And Harry Potter(c) stole my glasses and broke them! Who would you be? Dead Russian Composer Personality Test

You scored as Fundamentalist. Fundamentalism represents a movement in opposition to Modernism, stressing the highest importance on foundational religious tradition. Science has brought on corruption of society. God is real and is watching. Scripture leaves little room for interpretation; man is God�s creation. About a quarter of the population in the U.S. is classified as Fundamentalist. Fundamentalist 94% Postmodernist 88% Romanticist 88% Cultural Creative 75% Idealist 38% Modernist 31% Materialist 25% Existentialist 6% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

st. patricks day= irish gathering point or an excuse to get plastered?

so i'm sitting here in my dorm in my underwear, eating dry frosted flakes and listening to coltrane. according to collegate tradition, i should be killing brain cells and my liver. but i am not. the worst part: I"M IRISH!! AND GERMAN!! its practically coded in my DNA to love alcohol.

i love the taste of beer and wine but i don't like getting drunk. i hate the loss of control in the eyes of those i distance myself from normally.

i wasn't really invited to anything though, so tis all good. i would have said no anyways...my friends here at western aren't the drinking boozing type.


its sortof a college thing to shut off your head in the way of drunkeness. i dont' really know for sure, but i think that people don't like to think anymore...or that it helps them be more confident. it makes me sad that we live in a place in our souls where we can't just feel certain in the fact that for good or bad who we are is good enough for the rest of the world, or good enough even for ourselves.

my batteries are dead

i was going to take a nap at 4 o clock for a little while. just like an hour or so...i woke up whene jim called at about 7. i told him to call me back in 15 minutes, but he hasn't yet...

i have been dragging butt all week. i dont' know what is wrong with me..i should be getting enough sleep...7 hours used to do it for me. but my days are getting longer and longer. i have more to do. my classes are harder and more stressful and i feel like i'm falling behind. practice takes every ounce of my concentration, and i can do it. but it leaves me drained. dealing with the clique that shadows my growth.

jazz band is a dream after a nightmare. but it still takes my energy away. each week i have less to work with and more to accomplish. it affects my mood. i withdraw. i live in the practice room, my working head.

i am weary..i need encouragement, i need rest.

You Are Boot Cut Jeans

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What Style of Jeans Are You?

Your Perfume is Still

You are simply and totally sophisticated. Your style and class mesmerize everyone you meet. Underneath it all, you are delicate and refreshing. You're different enough to make an impression, that's for sure. Power scents: White pepper, musk, and honeysuckle.

What Perfume Are You?

best. weekend..EVER

well, it was a little crazy. and scary sometimes. but the overall grade rocks my pants off.

friday was the gig at the intersection with four finger five. it was great because dan and cora came, and cora brought her new boyfriend, mike. i must say that they are a great match. he is attentive to her, caring, protective. dan seemed to have fun for the most part, or at least, that is what he told me. sometimes i don't know if he is just humouring me. but the intersection was great. for the first time, i got up on the dance floor and danced and took pictures the whole time four finger five played. i don't usually do that, but i had a wonderful time, right in front of the band, the music seems to swell over you. i watched jim play, get into it as the audience swayed to him. i watched girls crowd around his feet as he played, but he wouldn't look at them. he kissed me after the show.

saturday i played in the jazz festival and then saw the old high school jazz band play after. they sounded really pretty cohesive and impressive. i was jamming out!

Your IQ Is 130

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Genius

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

i'm sure i'm not that smart...

the music of my dreams

i'm depressed today. especially because i've just come from an exceptionally brutal cello lesson. it is so frusterating to me, the state of my cello playing. in lessons, i play scales, one note at a time, barely going anywhere. most of the lesson was spent on scales, and a slim part on etudes. and i'll tell you why; my technique. according to uch, my technique, basically, BLOWS ASS. my fingers are flat and collapse all over themselves, my arm doesn't move with my hand, my thumb bends all the way back in an unnatural fashion, which causes the whole cariage of my hand/arm to be unmercifully tight. the tension is the bane of my existance.

it sucks because there is so much music in my soul and i can't express it, i can't build on it and learn new depths and demensions of it because of my awful technique. i practice and practice to make it better, but the more i accomplish, the more i learn that there is yet to accomplish. and i go to cello class and listen to people play music half heartedly, just playing the notes. their phrases jerk, going from here to there with out any linear motion. it is like hearing someone speak words instead of sentences and stories...they are unable to manipulate the colors that their sound produces. i leave these classes furious, that they get to play literature LIKE SHIT and i play scales and etudes and sound like a beginner, when i crave more, ache for the depths of it. i play no literature. i play no music...when i try to emote the etudes, i get yelled at.

so i practice technique. endlessly. and no improvement do i see.

i no longer dream of anything but music. last night, a symphony of such beauty came to me, and it was my own, for i had never heard it before. when i woke it was gone from me.

this old me

spring break was such a great time..it's depressing to have to get back to the grindstone...but in a way...welcome. time for work again. after a period of rest, to put your time to some use is almost enjoyable. almost.

it'll be good to get on a regular schedule of practice again...i have suffered in that regard in the last couple of weeks. my average was about...maybe an hour a day? that's awful. i'm starting work in the music library too this week.

jim's coming up today..gerry's hearing or whatever..i get to listen though..that will be nice.

i'm still debating..i don't know what to do with my life. there is the joy my trumpet gives me, and my thirst to become outstanding in the area of jazz. then there is my desire to be among the best cellists. i don't know anymore. i wish i could ask my faithful readership for help, but in the end, i make the decision...